Lose Weight on the New Chinese Diet!*

You have the South Beach Diet, the Mediterranean Diet and even the French-Women-Don’t-Get-Fat Diet. I’d like to introduce the new diet that I think will be all the rage–the Chinese Diet.*
This is an easy 6-step process that if you follow to the letter I will guarRONtee** results. After all, I’m not only the president, I’m a member as well.
Step One: Live a sedentary life.
You can maybe take an occasional walk but basically you need to sit at a desk all day and night and drive everywhere.
Step Two: Move to China.
Step Three: Eat whatever you want.
This is not hard. Personally I enjoy Snickers, ice cream, potato chips, sweet iced tea and all manner of bread products. Also, almost make sure all your meals are fried whether it be fried rice, fried noodles, or fried chicken.
Step Four: Live a life without conveniences.
You probably live a few stories up and your building doesn’t have an elevator so you have to go up and down on your own two legs (usually to the tune of 16 flights a day). You have no car so you need to bike or walk everywhere you go and your job is about a mile away from your house each way (and you will have such a schedule that will have you going back and forth a few times a day). The closest supermarket is a mile away, but to do any real shopping you need to go to the one 4 miles away. Also, pretty much everywhere you need to go will be up 2-3 flights of stairs. (No ADA act here!)
Step Five: Tighten up that belt!
Don’t bring any baggy pants with you when you move because what was once slightly oversized will now be comically huge.
Step Six: Look around and realize that no matter what you do you will be the biggest one around.
Really, it’s silly to try to compare yourself with the size -0 girls (and guys) you see all around. Even if you starved yourself you would still be twice their size for the mere fact that you have bigger bones. Luckily, as long as you don’t speak the language, they can call you fat and ugly all day long and you will have no idea. Instead, assume they are talking about your pretty blond hair, or how handsome your big nose is. This will give you a further ego boost.
All you need to do is follow steps 1-6 in order, give it a few months, and you too will be amazed at how you mange to lose weight without even trying. Take that South Beach!
*Results not typical. Please speak to a doctor and  travel agent before starting a new weight lose regime and buying expensive plane tickets.
**No, that’s a lie. I don’t.