There’s a new book out about a western woman Asian man relationship and I was lucky enough to get a review copy ahead of time to tell you, my dear readers, about.
And even cooler I was picked to give away one of the free books! Woot! But I’mma gonna make you read my review first.
It’s called Good Chinese Wife, written by Susan Blumberg-Kason, and is the true story of how she met, fell in love with, and ultimately divorced her Chinese husband Cai.
The books starts with Susan, a shy mid-westerner, moving to Hong Kong, and meeting the man that would become her husband. I think their courtship might shock some people over the dryness. Like, they talk about dating and getting marriage like other people talk about the weather; without much feeling or passion. Personally I was a bit shocked myself even though I know it happens all the time in China. I just kinda thought no western woman would agree to marriage without some passion and love beforehand.
But this is where the book comes off as brave. Susan, the author and main character, comes off incredibly weak. From the dubious beginnings to her descent into total passiveness (while I was reading the book I started underlying sentences in which she said she “I was hesitant to make a scene,” or “I didn’t want to appear jealous or insecure.” There are more than 20 such marks until I gave up realizing there was too many for me to keep track of) while her husband gets increasingly abusive. While the book deals with cultural misunderstanding, all of her justifications could have come straight out of the “abused woman handbook.” It was hard to read at times, and to her credit she doesn’t sugar coat it.
You know how you want to yell at horror movie actresses to “not go into the basement?” Well that’s how I kinda felt reading this book. As a loudmouth myself, I wanted to yell at her for being so weak and passive. For instance there is one part where she is looking forward to going to an english language bookstore on a trip to Shanghai. She said she was looking forward to it for weeks, and it would be the last thing they do before they left on the train. Only, it doesn’t happen because her husband is selfish and tells her there is no time. She passively accepts it while seething underneath and I just wanted to yell at the book, “just go woman! Piss off this idiot, don’t reward his behavior!” She even admitted to the thinking that “having a child will make everything better,” which is the ultimate abused woman thought pattern. (Spoiler alert: it only makes things worse.)
All biographies are written from the future, and usually the writers recognize their weakness from the vantage point of hindsight. But Susan never did that which began to make me wonder if she even knew how passive she was being. Sometimes people reveal parts of themselves in writing that they don’t understand themselves. But of course, the end redeems it all, and I finally realized she did.
I read a lot of books about China and they tend to fall into two categories. Either the grand sweeping epic of a Wild Swans, or the lyrical poetry of a Peter Hesler book. This is neither and actually the writing is quite plain, which, I’ll admit threw me a bit. This is a small story, focusing just on her life, and not in any grander picture of China’s place in the world. But I liked it for that. And the last few chapters had me gripping my kindle in nervousness, despite knowing what happens. So obviously I was hooked.
In fact the only major criticism I can offer of this book is it is a negative portrayal of an asian man. There is a lot of negative images of Chinese guys, and on my blog I try to show the positive aspects, or how the stereotypes aren’t true. So it’s a little annoying that once again the villain is a chinese man. But it’s real life so whatchagonnado?
Did I pique your interest? Good! I don’t want to talk too much about the book itself and ruin the story for you. But now comes the fun part!! I was given the opportunity to give away a free book to one of you!! All you have to do is……
Leave a comment!
Yep, that’s right, leave a comment on this post. It’s that simple people. You can write your thoughts about the book, or asian male/western women relationships, or just write anything you want. The only rule is you need to leave a comment. I’m going to have my friend Jason randomly pick a winner at midnight on Tuesday August 12th (cause he’ll be in america visiting me then).
Also, you have to be in the USA or Canada. (Sorry everyone in china!)
And, well, I don’t wanna make myself sound like to TOTAL loser but it’s not like I got a million readers or anything, so your chances of winning and probably pretty high.
And if you don’t win the free book I still recommend you pick one up yourself. Of course I suggest that you go to your local bookshop to order it, but if you are lazy (or even sadder maybe you don’t have a local book shop?!) I’ll give you an affiliated link to the Amazon page. Good Chinese Wife: A Love Affair with China Gone Wrong
Hello Becky!
Thank you for writing such a wonderful review about this much anticipated book! Although Susan did encounter some difficult situations, and was unable to respond to them at the time, she eventually noticed that her relationship with her husband was doing more harm than good, prompting her to make a move to end it once and for all. I applaud her for the strength and courage she gained during her time married to her husband. It can be quite difficult to leave an abusive relationship, for anyone who is tormented by it. I highly praise Susan for openly speaking about it regardless of the negative criticism she may receive. I would love to read more of Susan’s story, especially since I myself, am married to an Asian male. It would be amazing to gain some insight on being married to an Asian male.
Good luck to all of the entries for this contest! 🙂
cant wait to read
Thanks for the review! Jocelyn sent me here.
This sounds like a really interesting read. (And the cover art is really cool!) I’d probably react the same way you did, I’m not passive at all!
We’re all two or three mistakes away from dire straits ourselves, so instructive memoirs will benefit some readers who gain greater ability to project themselves into their own possible futures.
I’ve been wanting to read this book so badly! It’s actually very brave of the author to share her experience. From the many reviews and the interviews with the author I gather that the book is also delving into the question of being able to tell apart cultural differences from personal differences when ir comes to building a relationship. I also had some failed relationships because I was trying to write some discrepancies off to cultural differences, but at the end it was just uncompatible personality thing that I forced myself to tolerate for too long.
One wonders how different the author’s relationship with her husband would have been if she had married an Asian American man while living in the United States. I would tend to think it would have been much different, with her not so passive. Be that as it may, I would love to read this book—thanks for the opportunity to win a copy!
I’m twice your age, spent a third of the time you have in China, and love your blog … Enjoyed it immensely while living in China, and even more since I’ve been back. Sorry that the mercenary desire to get a free book is what finally got me motivated to let you know how much I enjoy your musings. I worry about “my girls” — my Chinese students — that they will feel no option but to enter into the kind of marriage described in your book review. I continue to exhort them to aim for all life has to offer, in China and beyond. Tian zhu bao you!
Renata
Since I don’t have the book to read, I can’t really tell whether the marital difficulties were due to cultural differences or the abusive behaviors of the husband but based on the review, it seemed the abusive behaviors ultimately doomed the marriage. Marriage is not easy and people have to work on it, but with cultural differences to overcome, it really makes it even harder. Despite that, it’s still possible to have a good marriage if both parties are compatible and really care about each other. I have seen very successful marriages between Asian men and non-Asian women or non-Asian Men and Asian women. Of course if the Asian partners were born and raised in the US by Asian families, the cultural difference will be less and it’s a lot easier to bridge than marrying a Chinese men born and raised in China.
In my opinion, this marriage failed because the husband was abusive and he could still be abusive even if he is not Chinese. This combined with Susan’s not standing her ground while married caused the marriage to end. However, I do applaud her courage to eventually walk out of an abusive relationship.
What we also have to think about is that there are many good Chinese husbands whether they are married to non-Chinese women or Chinese women. We can’t let one example ruin the perception of Chinese men.
First just let me say that I haven’t read the book. The problem I have with books like this is that they often come off like a manual for “how to care for your pet dog” and they give people the impression that Chinese men are some kind of alien species that require special understanding to deal with. And in addition to reinforcing the widely-held idea that Chinese men are undateable, such books contribute to the perception that China as a whole is a diametrically different, exceptional culture that needs to be avoided or confronted.
In fact, I have the same problem with the “AMWF” communities that seem to have become quite prominent in the cyberspace in recent years. I understand that such communities are intended to foster understanding and facilitate relationships between Asian men and white women, but when I read their published contents I often wonder whether they’re having the opposite effect.
Just as an addendum, you never see white guys write about their failed relationships with Asian women or what the problem with dating them is. If white guys have anything at all to say about dating Asian or non-white women, it’s usually why you should date them. I think this is an interesting contrast of behaviours between the genders.
Well, e-phoenix, I’m not gonna argue with you on your points. I participate in the AMWF communities but I also have some mixed feelings about it. And like I said in my review, the thing I didn’t like about the book is once again the bad guy was an asian male. But then again there are lots of books written by women who got out of abusive relationships (with white guys) and they are also compelling reads, and I think important. (They give courage to women who might be in a bad situation, or serve as cautionary tales for women who might meet abusive guys.)
And your right, there aren’t any “horror” stories written by western men who married asian women, though anecdotally I’ve heard quite a few. (especially of the “once they get a green card the woman goes psycho, gets a divorce and keeps the kid away from the husband” variety.) But why aren’t these stories being told? Is it more a macho thing than a culture thing? Like, the abused woman is a person we sympathize with but a abused man “should know better?” Personally I would like to read them. So what keeps the male authors from writing them? Or is there just no audience for that kind of story so publishers turn them down? I don’t know…
You make good points, Becky. But the thing about stories of women in negative (or abusive) relationships with white guys is that in such accounts the “villain”, if you will, is just a bad guy — he’s not a reflection of white guys in general.
By contrast, in stories of women in negative relationships with Chinese guys the Chinese-ness of the men is emphasised and people are led to believe all Chinese guys are more or less the same.
Hey Becky, the book sounds very interesting especially its focus on interracial relationship. I do think that the fact that the “villain” is a Chinese man may promote negative stereotypes but it is based on a real story so it’s understandable. It is tiring to see the negative way media often portrays minorities such as Asian, black and latino especially when you are a minority and realize how little effort was put into developing the character and the way their culture has affected them. I’m interested to see how the author writes her experience of marrying someone of a culture that’s so different from her one and how her marriage affected her view on chinese society in general so I’ll definitely have it in my list of books to read.
E-phoenix, I know and I agree with you, but how to change it? I guess it is like Aria said in her comment, that we really need to pump up the media representation so we have more ideas of how “asian” guys act and not just the kung-fu guy or villain as we do now.
AAAaaaandd we have a winner! Congrats to Renata! I numbered each reply and then I randomly asked Jason to choose a number and he chose hers (I didn’t tell him what it was for until after, haha.) Yay for free books! I hope you like it. And everyone else please support this author and get the book from your favorite bookshop!